The first couple of days of being a mom were absolute bliss. The two days spent in the hospital, though completely lacking in sleep, were full of feelings of absolute joy. I was anxious about suddenly being completely in charge of a newborn, but with nurses at my beck and call, it felt totally manageable.
When Sally was as week old, my mom went back to Alabama and Johnny went back to work. And it was just Sally and me. Gulp. Actually, TEARS. Lots of them. I cried and cried that first day alone. I was certain I couldn't take care of Sally on my own. I can't even recall what felt so insurmountable. But I made it through that day, and I decided I'd just take one day at a time. I felt terrible ever saying that it was hard because I felt so lucky to be Sally's mom. And I loved Sally more than anything. But I was exhausted. And Johnny was, too. The sleep deprivation was the hardest part of it all. And sometimes, those first few months, Sally would cry for no reason, and I couldn't get her to stop. I would call Johnny, crying, too. And she was the cutest little thing, but she wasn't even aware of the difference between me and some strange woman off the street. It was the first time I'd ever given everything to someone who couldn't give me back any sign of gratitude in return. Of course, the newborn days soon passed, and I think I will treasure them more with our second child because they are so very short. Very difficult, very heavenly, and very short.
There were some things I loved about that first year. While nursing is all-consuming, I loved it. I was sure I'd think it was so very weird, but from the moment Sally was born, it felt completely natural. I think it's one of the most amazing things I've ever done. I treasured being able to have that time with Sally. I loved looking down at her face, and seeing her look up at me. I would look forward to our night feedings those first weeks by having a good book to read on my phone while she took her time eating. I love not nursing now and having my body as my very own again, but it was an incredible experience, and I look forward to it with any other children we may have.
There was a lot to love about that first year. Watching Sally grow and learn new things kept Johnny and me on the edge of our seats. She was our favorite form of entertainment (and still is). I learned a lot about myself, and I grew a lot as a person. I feel like I gave myself almost completely to Sally, and I expect it will be the same with the first year with future babies. But I'll know what to expect. No year will every quite be like that first year being a mom and learning everything for the first time. It was full of the deepest love and deepest exhaustion. Johnny took a few pictures those first few months of Sally and me sleeping together, which say more about that first year than anything else.
